Hello Everyone,

I have not posted here in awhile. ^^0 I am looking for advice from those who grow up in traditional Viet families. This may belong in Love & Relationships though, but I am not sure. Please bear with me and read my long story....


I am not Viet, I am Caucasian. However, my boyfriend is Viet. He is 20 years old and currently going to college. I am 24 years old and live on my own and financially independent. His parents came to the U.S. during the Vietnam War and he was born here. My bf and I met in March 2007. He told his parents about us after we had been dating for over a month. His parents got very angry and said he could not date until after he graduated. His mom is against him dating a non-Viet girl too, but his dad is more open minded. They told him they did not want him to see me or talk to me anymore or they would cut him off financially and otherwise. They also told his brother (whom he lives with near his college) to report to them if he saw me again. Well, by this time we already were very close and couldn't imagine just giving up and going our separate ways. So, for the past year and a half we have been seeing each other secretly. He lies to his brother when he sees me and of course has been lying to his parents periodically when they ask if he's seeing me. Neither of us like the lying but it was the only way. I know traditional Viet parents do not let their children date until they're much older. My boyfriend has 5 older brothers and an older sister (so he is the youngest) and they all waited until they graduated college to date or maybe dated in secret?

However, the lies and secrecy have become overwhelming for me. My boyfriend and I love each other very much and have intended to stay together for life. Any problems we've had between us we've been able to work through together. He has met my parents and family as well. I only met his one brother he lives (prior to when my bf told his parents about me). I thought after he graduated from college the lies would all go away and things would change. But recently I realized that is not true. He never wants to tell his parents about our sneaking around. He intended to introduce me as a new girlfriend when he graduated and we would have to maintain the lie forever. The brother he lives with has confessed that he knows what's going on as well, so that means he would be indirectly involved forever too, which is not fair. T_T

I want very much to confront his parents about this, but his mom is very grudgeful and unforgiving. She still holds a grudge over something my bf's oldest brother did when he was 16! (He is in his mid-30's now...) If he tells his parents about us now, there is a good chance he will be cut off from his parents financially and otherwise, and may have to drop out of school. He is doing a co-op program in college, so it takes him 5 years to graduate, so he is not graduating until 2011. He has a scholarship, but his parents still pay for the rest of the tuition and his apartment rent/bills. He also plays the martyr a lot and is focused on keeping his mom "happy" but she is never happy because nothing her children do are good enough for her! She guilts them a lot and because of this they have kept her distant and do not include her in their lives. My bf says he is only happy when everyone else is happy. His family pretty much pretends everything is good when they are together, put on fake happy faces, but when they are apart his mom talks badly of his siblings and he is afraid she will tell him he is the son she never wanted and so forth. ;_;

However, I am a very honest and straight forward person. I do not feel right about lying forever. I think it is more respectful to be honest with parents than sneaking around behind their backs, even if they will get upset about the truth. I know my bf hates lying too, but he felt this was the only way for his parents and me to be happy, because they think he is not seeing me, but I still get to see him, so everyone is "happy". Well, that's obviously not true. I am not happy with the lies and secrecy, and his parents have "fake" happiness. So recently we had a serious discussion about telling his parents about us. I love him and want to stay with him, but all this time I thought when he graduated, the lies and secrecy would go away, but that's not what he was planning.

However, if he tells them, this means they will get VERY angry and could very well shun him and cut him off. He could lose his parents and be forced to drop out of school. ;_; He already said if he's going to tell them, it'll be now rather than telling them after he graduates because he feels that will be worse. He also said he's going to do it over the phone, rather than going to their house. I thought it would be more respectful to do this in person, but he says it doesn't matter.

He pretty much said that if his mom is going to kick him out of the family or cut him off (which she already threatened to do when he first told her about me, before he even knew he wasn't allowed to date while in school), that he's going to break up with me. And now I feel like, well if that's the outcome, why don't we just break up now because then there's no point in telling his parents other than for him to clear his conscience? But he doesn't seem to like that either. But she already threatened that once so why would it be different this time? I don't know....

I am just really scared and nervous. I know how much he respects his parents and how proud of them he is. They scrimped and saved and sent 6 children to college on minimum wage. They sacrificed a lot, so he feels like he owes it to them. But he never thinks of what he wants in life, he just focuses on making them happy (even though nothing makes his mom happy anyway). He used to tell me that when he graduated he would stand up to his mom, because she would be against him being with me anyway because I'm white and not Catholic. So she wouldn't be happy anyway. So if this is all about making sure she's happy (even if it's fake happiness because he's been lying to her), then what's the difference between going against her after he graduates and still seeing me, in spite of her disapproval because I'm not Viet, or going against her now and seeing me while he's still in school. We haven't been seeing each other that much anyway. We see each other once a month on average, sometimes even less. If he tells his parents about us and they okayed him to see me while going to school, but only during vacation time or when he's working (he alternates between going to school and going to work every semester, since he's doing co-op), then I'd even be okay with that, just so all of this would go away!!

I just don't know what to do anymore. ;_; What is the right thing to do? Have any of you been in a similar situation? I'm sure there are some of you who have grown up with very traditional and strict parents. What did you do? Are they still resentful about you disobeying them? Any input is appreciated!!

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Thank you for your input. I will suggest he talks to his dad instead. But his mom is sort of "in charge" so she has the final word usually. So I am not sure that will work. Right now they both agree he should not date while in school, however, his dad doesn't care who he dates when he graduates, so his mom may eventually give in and not put up a fight over me not being Viet. She is very judgemental. He has a brother who is dating a Viet girl, and his mom doesn't even like her. Nothing will please her...

However, they will be angry about him lying so they may threaten to cut him off (even if they really wouldn't) and because my bf is so scared of losing his parents he may just give in and break up with me. He is not independent or strong willed, so even his parents really wouldn't do that, he would never know because of his fear.....

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The reason here is : because you're not Vietnamese, so his parents think that you can't understand Vietnamsese tradition, culture... and so you won't respect and to be close with the whole family ( most of Americans are independent and have more privacy than our ppl ).
They have the reason to worry when their son is still too young, not graduate yet and now dating with a foreign girl, because Vietnamese parents always want to control their kids from doing some immature, goofy things while still studying at school.
If your guys can prove that your love just makes things better, assure them that his son will do good at school, he will graduate with honor and have a bright future, make his parents to be proud of him, you and him are serious with marriage and you're ready to learn more about Vietnamese life, culture, tradition... even Vietnamese language and will become a Catholic like him, then there's no reason that they can reject you... With all your efforts, your boyfriend will realize how great your love for him, and he will react how to deserve it. And if he can't do as you expected after all, so you have your own answer.
My 2 cents.

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i was in almost the same situation,my wife is full Vietnam,old style,I'm half and half,her mother would not let her marry me,when i came to Vietnam to visited my wife,first thing i did was i bought the mother a fridge,,the mother never in her life had a fridge,that kinda change he mind about me,the mother seen me as kind and generous and loved my wife very much,then she gave her daughter permission to marry me,but in your situation,i would wait until school is done,you must have trust in each other to wait for each other,i waited for my wife for 5 years to come to Canada,i trusted her,you don't want to rush your life,it will come to you,just think after his school is done,he can get a good job that pays good money and you and him get out of town,and live together,and don't have to worry about the parents running his life,your adults,your not babies anymore,you can think for your self,i told my mom to back off on how to take care of my daughter,it hurt her feelings,but she got around it,now she understands,I'm a adult now,,i don't know if this will help you,it help me,

I was writing a long reply, just before sending it away I saw mtdm's reply came... Bingo, it is well said, straight to the points, mtdm. So all my mumbles jumbles went with the wind...

All parents, VNese or otherwise, want the best for their children. In this case, you yourself should also show them (not to their faces but through him and his brothers) that you are also good for their little son - you have (or will have) a good social status too - their son is lucky to have you around, not a distract or bad influence.

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Get well soon, Jess.

Thank you, everyone. It was good to hear more insight into the situation. I appreciate all of the replies!



Well, I wish there was a way to assure them of this, but they seem to be very stubborn. They think they are right and we are wrong. His parents have never met me, they do not even know my name! Also, he is not good at explaining/expressing things well, so I am not sure how well he will get this across to them. This is why I wish I could be there when he tells them, but my family, friends, and even my bf think that is a bad idea. They feel he should do it on his own. However, he says if he tells them, he's going to do it over the phone. I think it's more respectful to do it in person, but he says it doesn't matter. *sigh*

I am very interested in learning more about Viet culture and even want to learn the language. I have tried several times to learn on my own, but I have a difficult time teaching myself a language. There are no classes offered in my area though. T_T When he actually first told his parents about me, he told his mom that I wanted to learn Viet, and she got angry and said "She only wants to learn so she can date you." which wasn't true because I was interested in learning before we even started to date, but she wouldn't listen. x_x

However, I will not become Catholic for him or anyone. I believe religion is a personal choice. I am not going to convert for anyone but myself. However, I was raised Catholic and my mother is a devout Catholic so I know plenty about the religion and its practices. But I decided to steer away from it when I was around 14 years old. It just isn't for me. He and I have already had conflicts over this but we've worked through them and compromised.


Hmm...well his mother is weird about gifts. She doesn't want gifts. They will try to buy her gifts and she refuses them. They celebrated her birthday this weekend and bought her a cake and she said "I don't need a cake, all I need is good children!" which of course, you can only imagine how my bf felt after hearing that. x_x I think we may end up having to wait until he graduates at this point. Were you already married when you were waiting for your wife to come to Canada? I think that is different if you were already married. I know my bf's mother had to save to come to the U.S. His dad was in the navy and came to the U.S. after the war ended to avoid being charged with war crimes, so his mother was left behind. So she had to scrimp and save for a long time to earn enough money to come to the U.S. too. I am not exactly sure how long it took her though. But I think they were also already married too. But it is so difficult to wait so many years without seeing each other. And I think he will feel guilty and blame himself for my suffering and struggle to wait these years. And then there is still a chance our relationship will not work out either. Though I think it would, there is always that chance that it won't for whatever reason. There is so much to think about....

his parents needs to get off his and your back,are they royal.that's a bad sitution to be in,,in the middle of the night,both of you jump in the car and drive as far as you can,parents need to understand,kids grow up and need to be on there own too,,.